Friday the Fourteenth
David Rhoden, Reporting
Sorry, I should have had my Valentine's Day message
prepared sooner, but it crept up on me too. Not, of course, that my
personal busyness should be considered an excuse. You, dear readers,
are always my first priority, way, way over Must See TV or Work.
But I'm with you now, so let me remind you of some of the things
that make this pink and red holiday so special. First of all, with
Valentine's Day, you don't get the irritating rash of jokes about
how long the lines are to return unwanted gifts. Why? Because it's
no joke. Screw up a Valentine's gift and you're screwed (or unscrewed,
if you prefer the literal to the figurative). There are no second
chances, not this year. So stick with simple things like, for example,
expensive things. Isn't this helpful?
Another way V.D. is unique is that it is to my mind the number
one toughest holiday on guys. Christmas might cost more
in terms of raw cash outlay, but on Christmas, you get to be Santa
Claus. Which is really pretty undemanding. Santa is not on trial.
Even if money is no object, the role you must play on February's hearty
holiday is exhausting. On Valentine's Day, you must strive to create
a romantic atmosphere. This is not so tough on a normal day when you
can rise above all those workaday shlubs simply by bringing home (or
over) a bottle of wine, or running down to the "Romantic Comedy" section
(much as it may pain you) at the Blockbuster. No, on Valentine's,
you have to shoot the works. One neat way I've discovered to express
your love for a special lady is to hook up an invisible flying harness,
as Woody Allen does for Goldie Hawn in the new romantic comedy Everyone
Says I Love You.. Nothing says "Romance" quite like tossing your
best gal thirty to forty feet in the air and watching her come down
as sweetly and softly as a professional stuntperson. Do you sing?
So much the better. Even if you don't, I'd say that this is the number
one best Valentine's idea for 1997. You could also make dinner reservations,
but I guess it's too late for that.
It's a really tough holiday, though, because everybody's
doing it. And that makes it, like it or not, a competition.
And not only must we outdo our wife or girlfriend's friends' significant
others, but we must outdo our own previous attempts (thinking on which
is the only time we can say "I'm glad I gave her those gift
certificates.") In short, it's a day on which we must abandon our
natural modesty and sense of proportion and engage in animalistic
and expensive courtship behavior. It's a holiday that by its very
nature introduces discord between men. You can't put up a swingset
for Valentine's day. (Unless, of course, it's an affair like the Goldie
2000 model described above.) By now I hope we've all gotten past snickering
at each others' public displays of affection, at least to the extent
of giving amnesty to all the poor nervous looking guys carrying flowers
home, sweating, and wondering still if they are doing exactly the
right thing. (A dozen roses? Red? That doesn't possibly symbolize
death in Lithuania, does it?) But that's as far as altruism goes.
Sometimes I think we should return this day to it's caveman origins
and, instead of competing with displays of floral plumage, just have
guys fight each other. Right here on the platform, or patio, no holds
barred. Impress the ladies that way. But then we'd have something
to talk about. As it is, we must each face this day, with it's myriad
pitfalls and uphill climbs, alone, our only armor a skinny bundle
of flexible stalks, with petals on the end.
And a card. Don't forget to add that to your list.